The Struggle

Over the last few months life has been an overall struggle for me. Not really moving forward nor backward. Kind of sitting in one place treading water. The things that used to bring joy no longer  brought joy. Laughter was just a fleeting moment here and there. A scowl was more common than anything. Always feeling burned out not wanting to do anything. What was going on with me?

Rewind a few months to December. Some of you know on December 7th a plane left my small community of Port Alsworth headed to Anchorage. It would never arrive. It crashed just a little ways up the lake from home. Taking the four lives of the occupants on board. Four friends who had been making their way into my life. The closest of them, Scott Blom, had become a mentor/friend and in some ways a brother to me. The other 3, Kaitlyn Blom, Zach Blom, and Kyle Longerbeam, all had their own impact on my life. Kyle was a friend who was ready with a smile, a helping hand, and a laugh. Kaitlyn and Zach had both been in Junior High groups with me. Losing these 4 people left me hurting and asking Why?
As the months passed it seemed like those around me were dealing with the loss better than I was. I was still stuck back in those first few days. I would go a few weeks and then something would trigger a memory and I would be struck with grief for a few days. I was always feeling tired and worn out. I had a continual bad attitude to those around me. Life was just not going very well at all. Mostly down and not up.

A couple weeks ago I was facing a large challenge. During my morning prayer time I came before the Lord and admitted to Him that I was not in control and the I need His help to face the day. I noticed that during that day that I wasn’t struggling like I had been during the previous few months. So, for the next week each day I made it my practice to come before the Lord and give each day to Him. Each day still had its challenges, but they didn’t seem as big as they had been at the beginning. I have been continuing the practice of giving each day to the Lord. I have noticed a change in my life.

I no longer seem to be treading water. I am moving forward not standing still. I have some direction. My attitude is starting to change. Through the whole process of giving each day to God, He has shown me what the struggle has been. Over these few months I have been angry with God. I have been angry that He took my friends from this earth specifically Scott. I have always had a desire to have a friend that I can talk to about my life and struggles. Scott was one of those friends. Scott invited me into his family and cared about me. When God took him home to heaven I got angry.

This anger spread to all parts of my life. Now that I have an idea of what my struggle has been now I can start moving forward. I will continue to turn each day over to God and pray that He helps me move forward away from this anger. Sometimes it takes life’s challenges to help us discover what we are struggling with.